Sur Les Toiles

Window light just finished
Oil on canvas


Window light just finished

Oil on canvas

I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn’t, than live my life as if there isn’t and die to find out there is.
Albert Camus (via indyfan)

Don’t believe that you are at fault. Did you want this to happen to you? No you didn’t. Did you plan all this? Absolutely no you did not. You are convincing yourself that it’s your fault that this happened because you could have easily fought back; I don’t find your reasoning valid. First of all, you were restrained against your will. I’m guessing you didn’t fight back because of a)the shock that overtook you b)you felt it was no use c)you were afraid. Needless to say, these are perfectly normal reactions to such a horrific event.

Had you not stopped this sexual assault because you were enjoying it then that would be an entirely different story. But you didn’t enjoy it.

The fact that your parents are “keeping an eye out for you so that you don’t commit suicide” actually doesn’t subside my fear that you will bottle all this up and eventually harm yourself. You are in a dangerous state of mind, but you CAN get out of it. In fact, I know you will if you really set your heart on it.

I’m so glad that you appreciate my words to you, but I really wish that you would really do something to turn your life around. I don’t know you at all but I can honestly say I really care about you. You remind me so much of someone I once knew. Also today, I read your new posts and was practically in tears. I want to go over the posts individually if that’s okay

TW for Sexual Abuse, PTSD

M is a truly disgusting person. He is trying to manipulate your mind and make you believe that you are worthless in every aspect. Not only is he sexually abusing you, he is also mentally abusing you. You need to cut of ties with this man. I repeat, you do not deserve to be sexually assaulted. Also, parents only make their child smoke the entire pack of cigarettes as a disciplinary way to get them to STOP!

I can’t ask for help

You already have! Numerous times, in fact! AND GUESS WHAT, it’s really not so hard to come across. Please please please type in the address of a national sexual assault online hotline, or even call one. You will be entirely anonymous just as you are now. I am not a trained professional, but there are many out there.

is the one I recommend

TW - Sexual assault -Things are starting to fall into place

The reason you have been sexually assaulted/raped/abused is not your fault. It’s probably mainly because of your job and just being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people. You have a really high-risk job. Like I said in my previous post, you need to surround yourself in places that make you happy(not your room). Maybe your back yard though, or the classroom, or the park, or just whatever it is.

"I am sickening. This is not the life I wanted to live."

you are in no way sickening. You have a choice to turn your life around, and I urge you to get out of the sex business and into something that truly brings you joy.

"TW sexual assault

I agreed to see him again. He fucked me again. I got injured again. And I came home wanting to claw out of my skin.”

Delete that ass-holes number first chance you get. DON’T EVEN TALK TO HIM! Ignore his calls and keep away from him at all costs. He is hurting you.

hi I’m only reblogging this because you don’t have an ask and I just want to reach out to you. You sound like such a beautiful person. Please understand that NONE of this was your fault. You blamed yourself for what happened but it really truly isn’t even close to being your fault. I feel like I wasn’t exactly supposed to see this but somehow came across it for a reason and I hope I can give you some encouraging words. As for your ex-boyfriend, you don’t need him. I understand that you love him, but I think you would be a lot better off just letting go of him. There are amazing people all around you. And don’t dare think that you don’t deserve to be around truly good and honest people because you would be lying to yourself. You deserve it more than anything. In fact, you know what you deserve? You deserve a loving man to hold and take care of you, a best friend to wipe your tears and hold you while you cry, and just someone to really be there for YOU. Not for themselves.

I’m not taking pity on you, I’m only trying to get this out to you because I know how this sort of stuff weighs on people(my  bestfriend of about 15 years was raped by my brother’s close friend. After the incident she spiraled downwards. We aren’t even friends anymore sadly, as she moved away…although this does remind me that I ought to call her and check up on her) 

I encourage you to reach out in your community. Maybe you don’t have a God, and that’s okay, but I encourage you to maybe attend a church service. It might not be for you but sometimes just being a part of a congregation helps.

I also encourage you to meet some new people. Really search for some true and honest people. And look for them in the right places…this means that you shouldn’t look for them at clubs or crummy old bars. Go to the park or some sort of community event. It’s perfectly fine if you are alone(also perfectly fine if you aren’t). Just go out there and be a part of something

Again, you deserve better and WILL get better. Just believe. please.